Climbing My Own Mountain

I spent most of my years in grade school and high school as a pretty good student and athlete. I had to put a lot of work into whatever I was doing to get an average or above average result.  The motivation was just simply there. A pretty foreign concept to me nowadays with certain tasks. Things didn’t come easy to me back then, but I was always getting my homework done and studying my hardest.  I was partly driven by an anxiety of not getting in trouble with my teachers and to avoid feeling lost on a test, but I also had a natural drive to make sure I was doing everything I could to get the best results, whether it was a school project or running a cross country race.  Okay, blah, blah blah, pretty boring stuff…now onto the point I’m trying to make.

Over the years (more years than I realized have passed since high school) I have lost some of this drive, but it is always a work in progress for me to try to stay motivated, or rather, a work in protest is more so what it feels like.  Whether it is working out regularly, eating healthy, putting the laundry away (no one actually enjoys that part, right?), or practicing different coping strategies I acquire from therapy, it is a whole other ball game when you are the main person holding yourself accountable.  Typically, in adulthood, there is no longer a teacher, parent, or coach looming over your shoulder to scold you, correct you, or guide you.  Their criticisms now only live on in your head and subconscious. 

In adulthood, you are your own babysitter. As I read the incredibly eye opening book, The Mountain is You, by Brianna Wiest, I realize how so many of my self-sabotaging behaviors are rooted in fear; the fear of uncertainty, the fear of failing, and the fear of being uncomfortable. Fear can paralyze you and keep you stagnant. Is this why I have trouble striving for what I truly want in life or why I start so many things and don’t see them through? Probably that and a dash of ADHD would be my guess!

As I have learned from the book, we replace new accomplishments with excuses because they are more comfortable and familiar. I have also learned that a great deal of the discomfort we experience, is coming to the surface from a much deeper rooted issue and from not being able to process our own emotions. Therefore, like Brianna says in the book, we don’t live our lives to the fullest because we are stuck in our own way; we sit in the discomfort because 1. we don’t know how to effectively process it, and 2. it is more familiar to us than anything unknown. (Sidenote: I have never had a book tell me so much about my own inner workings like this book has and I highly recommend it).

To sum up this rambling of a blog post, I don’t think you ever reach a finish line with personal growth and we are always learning more. A lot of times the answer is right there in front of us. A lot of times, it is our own damn selves STANDING in front of us and we just need to say “Excuse me, Ms. Self-Sabotagestress, I got some shit to do” and walk on by.

  The path I am on now is a lot different than the path I was on 10 or 15 years ago.  I may be climbing the same mountain and it isn’t always a linear journey towards the top, but now instead of stumbling through the dark, my eyes are beginning to open and there are signs pointing me onward and upward…climbing my own mountain, step by step.